Thursday, December 24, 2009

Blogging on Xmas' eve

I just bought a packet of herbal tea and lozenges for my sore throat and cough. Caught the germs during festive season. Perhaps this is the first time I fell sick and stayed at home during Christmas eve. For the past five years, since 2004, Christmas was the busiest time in my work. Can only hang out with friends after work, that was about 12 midnight. Previously was also involved in helping out the logistic matter at certain performance stages at Orchard Road for Celebrate Christmas in Singapore. Once was in front of the Tong building next to Lucky Plaza, once at the front of Tang's plaza, and once at the empty land which now houses the iconic ION. I remember each year was drizzling and there were a few times I had to work under the rain.

This year I'm in my room, accompanying by the cicada's noises outside of the room's window while typing this. Very quite night. So I took time to see what I blogged about during previous Christmas in Singapore.

Earlier during my first Christmas in Singapore, I joined my college's friend and his family when they came here for the year-end holiday. That was in 2003. Can't remember how did I went through Christmas in 2004, but I started this blog about that time. There was only an apologetic post on that year's killer wave that hit this region very badly.

Then in 2005, Steven and Yennie were here. Steven just got back from a mission trip at Africa. I fetched him at the airport late night after my work. Was shocked when saw his long curly biddy hair. Was at Priscilla's Christmas house party.

I started to mass-sms personally worded Christmas greeting in 2006 instead of just a simple 'Merry Christmas' or forward greetings I received from others. I continued to do that in 2007. But forgotten whether did I stop in 2008 because the blog post seem rather long to be a SMS length. I sent those SMS because I wanted to stay in touch with people in my mobile phone's contact list. It was during 2006-2007 I was actively involved in Agora Singapore, a fellowship which I coordinated together with a few friends to pursue the learning on worldviews among Christians. Now the group is defunct and meant to be so.

This year I don't want to send any personally worded SMS greeting. I have lost the inclination to connect with people via that way. I have become more introverted. I do not fancy clubbing as much as I once did. Thinking back, just two years ago, I was a fanatic. Now I have become more stoic. Is this biological or psychological or both? This is a mysterious change in personality.

Just now when I accidentally read through the links I shared through Facebook, I came across what Rowan Williams said this year's easter, "Christianity takes it for granted that whether you succeed or fail, you're valuable. God's view of you doesn't depend on how you do, it's always the same love, always giving you a second chance. And once you let that sink in, you can face failure without fear and rage. You'll still try your best, but you're also free to see that if you can't do or get just what you wanted, you still have your dignity before God and so you still have a future."

I was moved to tears. My own failures and worries flashed through one by one. Over the years, I have failed many people... The guilt is a torn in the flesh. Parents, friends, customers, suppliers, those I had relationship with, and even strangers and some readers of this blog. I have failed. Williams' reflection directed me to hope and re-assert God's love for everyone.

Living in an urban setting like Singapore or Penang, among people who are career-driven and ambitious, it is very easy to lose the sense to value one's self and one's life. Too often we get carried away by others' career and ambition and forgot about ourselves. God's love must be remembered to keep us on track and to bring us back to the glorious hope in God.


Michelle said...

Thanks for writing even on Christmas Eve....Merry Christmas to you and a Blessed New Year ! Personally, I would prefer a quiet Christmas rather than one filled with activities. It is a good time to wind down, rest and to reflect over what happened for the year and also a time of thanksgiving unto God for sending His Son, the perfect gift one could ever received !

Once again, Merry Christmas ! :)

Sze Zeng said...

Hi Michelle,

Thank you for your comment and wishes. Merry Christmas to you too. May the new year be a window to experience more of God's love in your life.