"Why should creatures have the burden of existence forced on them without their consent?" - C.S Lewis, Loki Bound
Cosmoslogically, teleologically, epistemologically, and morality has been clear in saying to me, "hey lame, I exist and as 'long' as I am here, you will have to know that I meant what I said".
I am in contradiction. And being in this is frustrated for every thinker. No thinker would like to contradict himself just as no straigth line to be crooked OR crooked line to be straight. You are either crooked or straight, you cant be both. And for those who say "you can draw a 'circular line' to prevent both consequences, go and draw that kind of line and be satisfied.
Last week, i have been trying all out to reach a successful denial. The furthest that i could get to is NO WHERE. There isnt a reason that i thought of that does not involved epistemology. The more i think, the heavier my head became. The moment i tried to reason, Madam Reason was there looking at me in pity. Why pity? Because it is really pitiable when someone is trying to use the causal means to disvalid its very own causality.
It was a horrible war. I was trying to think but whenever i think, my thought reflects that i am, in fact, thinking, thus i was resorted to not think in order to think. It was horrible. I gave in at last; I submited myself. There is NO WAY that i could think and betray thinking itself.
It is surprising if someone who claimed to be logical and yet deny the very Logic that his/her logic conforms to. But there are, i met a few of them. In fact, i was one of them.
I dont hope for another battle like that. I dont want to battle this same battle again. Not that i couldn't win, but that of i couldn't fight.
I am helpless.
There are a few tried to help, but they failed terribly like me.
"In the Trinity Term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England." - C.S Lewis, Mere Christianity